Heartache.

There are bigger pains that heartache. I can promise you the death of someone will affect you more, it will kill you inside. But, will it for this long? Or do you eventually learn that the person is not there and you have to move on, somehow, even though you will not forget them?

Isn't that similar to what heartache feels like? You have to move on, but you cannot. In addition, the person is still there, living physically. That is what refers to the longer part. You did touch that body, kiss that mouth and made fun of that brain, that now are lonely.

I will start apologizing because this was not meant to be about me, this was meant to be a neutral text explaining heartache. How can one, though, explain heartache if he/she is not feeling it; and therefore, how can that be objective and neutral. These two sentences to state the obvious: I am lovesick, I have deep, suffocating, painful, breahtaking, agonizing, awful heartache. It is sucking life out of me as well.

I do not think people understand how this feels like though. Noone does, until they feel it. And then they are too sorry for themselves to even care about taking care of other heartaches.

What does it feel like? It feels like someone is pressuring your throat so you cannot breathe, and you have to hold your tears at the same time so noone will notice. Your body is rigid and your hands became fists to remind you that being strong is what matters. However, you can feel that your fists are just fragile pieces of glass, they are only there to feign, to pretend, to keep everyone else unconcerned. It also feels empty, as if all you had inside your body was water, nasty red water going through all your organs and veins and poisoning every part of your body until it all grieves.You want to vomit, urgently, but you cannot. You want to throw up all the sadness and disturbing feelings, that you cannot even recognize. Your stomach, your legs, your chest, your arms, your whole body will feel weak and pointless, but there are no doctors to come rescue you from this one. It has been so long since you did not feel pain, that you wonder if it is ever possible to not feel it, or it is a feeling that stays forever. You wonder how could you get this low, how could you really feel this worthless, and you cannot find something of value withing yourself. You try to feel something, you go to new places, you meet new people, try new food, have new experiences and ideas; but in the end, all you feel is pain. No matter where you are, with who, doing what, for how long. All you feel is pain. Pain, as the main part of a stronger feeling. The feeling of being you and life being worthless.